“The President is taking meetings with a select few people. He will still be in contact with Congressional and Senate leaders via phone and email. We estimate this to be a six week period where the President will not appear in a public forum, but we assure you that he absolutely is working on the problems facing the country right now with high priority to the issue of the debt ceiling.”
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was having a difficult day. He knew that it would be, but the press’s indignation of not being able to personally question the President was even greater than he imagined.
“Who are these select few people?” demanded Ed Henry of Fox News. “Are any of them Muslim? The American public deserves to know!”
“I don’t personally have any names – or religions – as of yet. The President will let me know and I will distribute that information as it becomes available.” But Mr. Carney did have the names. He didn’t know the religions, but he definitely knew the names. Rick Baker was called in at Carney’s own suggestion. The multi-time Academy Award winner for Achievement in Makeup on “Coming to America” and “Ed Wood” was the first person Carney thought of when the President’s plan was presented. Ricky Shoaks was the other visitor-to-be. Mr. Shoaks had personally given vocal lessons to Joaquin Phoenix for the film “Walk the Line” and was in the midst of prepping former “Harry Potter” star Emma Watson for her role as the lead in the remake of “Gone with the Wind”. Jay didn’t feel that today was the right time to invite speculation as to why in the Hell two behind the scenes stars of Hollywood films were given the privilege of an audience with the nation’s Commander-in-Chief mere weeks before the economy was due to implode. The Right Wing was already having a field day.
Bill O’Reilly’s face was ripe-strawberry-red even before the FOX NEWS ALERT had cut back to him. “Lemme get this straight… we’ve got a financial crisis ready to take this country even deeper into recession and this pinhead is having a staycation? I want to know who those visitors are and I want to know what they’re doing.”
Michele Bachmann and her husband Marcus appeared on Fox and Friends the next morning to discuss the matter. “I truly believe that the Lord our God gave Barack Obama a case of mononucleosis. The President has been sinning LONG before he was put into office and baby Jesus finally had enough!”
Marcus replied to his wife’s hypothesis. “Mr. Obama just needs to pray that mono away. And cut Social Security. And what about Mrs. Obama? Did you see those shoes she was wearing today? HELLO?? The only thing matching her is the ‘OUT’ section of Glamour magazine. Am I right, people?!” Michele and the Fox and Friends crew sat and avoided eye contact with each other before throwing to a pre-taped interview with John Edwards’s former gardener.
Those who paid $19.95 per month for the ability to stream Glenn Beck’s daily webcast had many of their fears…confirmed?… by their political beacon. “COULD IT BE that William Ayers is one of those people the President is smuggling in and out of the White House? I truly believe it is the case. There is very little doubt in my mind that Obama and Ayers RIGHT NOW are deciding what area of the country into which they want to release their new version of Super AIDS. And what saddens me most… what … breaks my heart,” Mr. Beck removed his spectacles to allow his tears to fall unrestrained down his cheeks, “is that the American people who I love with all my heart… are just going to let it happen.”
THREE WEEKS LATER
The atmosphere mirrored that of a boxing main event years in the making, or a red carpet premiere of a Billy Bieber (Justin Bieber’s younger brother) film. The press room was PACKED. Anderson Cooper (anticipating the madness in the space) stood just outside the doorway in a t-shirt that marked every abdominal muscle, ready to cover the story which he thought may be a brawl amongst journalists. Jay Carney approached the podium.
“This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy” whispered loudly in his head, but there was no turning back. This was without question, for better or for far worse, the speech that would define the presidency of Barack Hussein Obama.
“Thank you all for coming,” he said to the seemingly singular mass of reporters, “I know it’s been a long time for all of us. However, I would remind you that although he estimated six weeks, the President has put together his plan in half that time. And now it is my privilege to introduce to you, The President Of The United States.”
As the President approached the podium, Jason Parks of the Crow River News in St. Michael, MN was having difficulty seeing. Stationed all the way in the back row, lucky just to be there (and he knew it), Jason could only see that the President’s hair had grayed considerably. Parks considered that the past three weeks had not been a “staycation” of any sort. Obama had clearly been working hard. Frustrated at his poor view, Parks stood on his chair. There was something else awry… he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
“Thank you all for your patience,” the President started as his cool blue eyes scanned the room, “Ah’ve been hard at work putting together the finishing touches on what Ah believe will bring this country back to the top of mountain where we belong.” His mostly grey hair was parted smartly from his left to his right. His voice resonated through the speakers as former President Clinton’s might have, or a young Colonel Sanders. He also had a tan. Not quite as dark as George Hamilton, certainly not as orange as John Boehner, but if Bob Sagat had been to the beach for the weekend their complexion would be comparable. Barack Hussein Obama was speaking to the press and the American public as a white Southerner. The President was essentially a 50 year old Andy Griffith.
Marcus Bachmann went to half mast within six seconds of hearing his voice.
The President then listed his ideas to resuscitate the country. There was not a new idea in the ten minute speech. Heavy tax increases on the top ten percent of earners. Ending the tax breaks for oil companies. Bringing the troops back home. The press was quiet. Not “stunned” or “shocked” quiet, but “intently hanging on every syllable” quiet. Mr. Obama then surmised his presentation. “Now Ahm not a complex mayn. Ah just think it’s time for all o’ them rich fatcats on Capitol Hill to pay their fair share. Why should a company that makes BILLIONS of dollars a year pay less – even percentagewise – than a member of the Poh-lice? The Poh-lice who put their very lives on the line every time they walk their beats. Especially in Detroit. So this is a call, and Jesus (praise His name) help us all to restore this country – the GREATEST COUNTRY OF ALL, ‘MERKA – to a new era of glory. Tax the very rich, to hell with the oil companies, bring our guys and gals home and we RETAKE OUR LIVES! Thank you, and may God bless ‘Merka.”
The Press applauded. They stopped after several seconds, realizing how unprofessional it was, but it wasn’t just Chris Matthews with a chill up his leg. It was the whole country.
Steve Doocy from Fox and Friends got an “Obama ‘12” tattoo on his left shoulder blade and disrobed during the show so America could see it. Ashley Todd (the gal who carved a backwards “B” on her face in an attempt to portray Obama supporters as thugs) carved a REGULAR “B” on her right cheek and matched it with an “O” on her left to show off her political pride.
“WHO are the people getting in the way of the President trying to DO HIS JOB?!” Wailed Bill O’Reilly, taking minimal breaths while frothing, “The American people ELECTED Barack Obama to the office and these Congressmen keep putting bureaucratic RED TAPE in his way. And THAT, my friends, is why the members of the United States Congress are our Pinheads of the Week.”
Glenn Beck had his chalkboard out:
The President had the country in the palm of his hand. In the months that followed, the tax rate on the top ten percent tripled. Those “affected” didn’t notice, except for William Seppuku of San Francisco who decided not to buy a sixth boat this quarter. Slowly, the economy grew. Unemployment fell to a national average of 5.4 percent. The President’s push towards a public option was met with open arms by lawmakers and the nation as a whole became healthier.
The Tea Party disbanded, declaring, “Our magnificent country is clearly in good hands.”
Grover Norquist stepped out of the public eye and took up knitting.
The goddamn birds sang prettier and the flowers smelled better, got it?
Month by month beginning November of 2016, the former President’s face grew slightly darker. Month by month, shade by shade, by November of 2017 Barack Obama’s skin had returned to its pre-2011 level and Mr. Baker returned to the entertainment industry.
And Democratic President Not Joe Biden continued his predecessor’s successes through two terms.